he picked her up from off the ground

i didn't quite suspect to return to this livejournal, but at this early silent hour i feel particularly lonely and pensive. i suppose there is a paper and pen waiting for me at the end of my bed-- which has been very useful in times of overwhelming, yet mostly fleeting, emotion. tonight that won't do. partially because i am feeling as though i want to reach out to people that [frankly] i know will never come close to reading this, but that is only a rational thought...and i haven't room for those in this moment. in the days leading to my departure i looked all about my life and took in as much as my eyes could hold. now-- driving through the winding roads of the heat ridden south i can only remember those times i have chosen to forget. it was simply the sight of a boy-- a grown man really-- pretending to be a boy. biting his lower lip and looking up to a shower of stars only he saw. it was perfectly easy to see the lights in his eyes and i remembered that glimmering hope i had once. something he created and something he took away. i hadn't learned about seriousness yet and really had no idea that years later i would look back and miss things i had nearly lost in a slip of memory. i know in a truly honest way that there is no reconnect and in a time of stability there won't be the longing. as if i just missed a train while running to the platform-- i am willing to wait for the next to arrive...without imagining the past as it wasn't.

i am about to ride my bike to someplace far. motion is my meaning. i have been glued to reading and re-reading the words we exchange. the nervousness tempts me to write everything i can't write to him. the risk of coming across foolish is present. i'm not sure how to pick you up and bring you in. i'm not sure how to untangle your fingers and re-direct them to my hip. what makes it? the lighting, the person, the atmosphere? i am a vision without a vessel.

'and i'm ready to be a spark in those headlines their asking of me am i your child i cannot take it from you now you've been dreaming of me i will not take it from you i'm on your side'

calculated precisely--i have had 2 & 1/2 hours worth of sleep in the last 52!

e.c.--i simply adore you, & someday will make you mine.

i sat on jacks knee impatiently as though i was still six years old and waiting for the church sermon to be finished. as i tried wiggling free he held tightly to my shirt & pulled me back, assuring me that i was safe. i bit my lip & he moved my hands across the vinyl, pushing the needle forward. he introduced me to all the buttons & levers, showing me how to skip from one song to the next. we argued about the level the bass should be at. i pleaded with him to let me down. i wanted to dance & had no more patience for learning the art of DJing. i turned on dizzee rascal & jumped from the tower we sat on. he came down too...and we danced until i could not remember anything else.

i realize now that the last thing i remember before my body gave up for three straight days--was sitting in the car drinking beer & singing "a funky song to fuck to.." with adam & brianne. that makes me ridiculously happy/eager to get back in to the swing of things.

also, my good friend 'slut face dawn' just text messaged me saying, "get drunk, lady! you're free to get high..." which can be easily translated in to..."i just woke up after a night of sex with someone awesome."
firstly, dawn is never awake this early unless she hasn't gone to bed yet. this means she must have slept with someone who has school to wake up for. which means it was matt the giant. i'm so inspired. god damn!

do you want to hear the tales of how i became sober? are you aching to find out who i got a venereal disease from last weekend? how about getting in on what new "hawt" music i just downloaded to my ipod?
if you like after school specials, dimly lit montages, 'raining blood,' and indie cult classics...this is the livejournal for you.

friends only though. tough break...

the sickness has been shaken and i'm ready to head back out in to the streets. luckily i am just in time for the weekend. here is the catch! i am sobering up, you know, laying off the smack that gave me this 3 day hang over. there are crazy loop holes everywhere when it comes to my schemes, so here it is: i am staying sober for as long as dawn can stay celibate. we are picking up the slack for each others vices. this means i am more than likely to pick up a vd or two. needless to say, i'm excited. i will make venereal diseases cool again-- urban outfitters will be printing up 35 dollar tee-shirts reading, "everyone loves a girl with a venereal disease!" & it will be the truth.
kiss kiss this saturday. she offered them sex. cell phones numbers. now that dawn is celibate i will have to be having sex with kiss kiss. or at least with my cute animal collective boy. yes! 'if I had three arms i would have saved your son from falling off the cliff, but alas i only have two arms which were both busy at the time, now your child is a vegetable and there was nothing i could do about it.'

my only dilemma now is...what to do with all this green?

visit me, cora rose gaulin...

what have i done to receive such a severe punishment? i just expelled pink french toast tasting mouth excrement for the tenth time tonight. when the time comes to sit up --although it is seldom-- i feel the uncontrollable urge to pass out or to take a gun to my tightly spinning skull.

sweet life, you are full of beautiful surprises. thank you!

i still love you, but you already knew that.

feeling like self actualized oregon trail pixels. i had to be driven home...to recover. i have discovered a break through- you can actually party much too hard- to the point of it ripping your chest right through the rib cage. i had a lot of fun while it lasted. hopefully once this is over i can still venture out, especially when it isn't so awfully cold. sleeping in cars stuffed with your best friends can only be fun until you all get influenza and die. these are three of my favorite excerpts from my journal over the last two weeks.

( nostalgia )

happy to imagine this as our future home, biscuit!
making art & music & love with such a wonderful companion.
these weeks will be the best yet.

bye, screen. bye, living room. bye, life as i know it. i'll see you in a month//maybe not?--

hearts pounded as we shared our first kiss. i felt yours beat deeply into my chest & as i took a moment to admire you, pressing down on to me, the words 'the milk from your breast is on my lips' floated through the air over our heads. your smile was inviting and my pants were dripping from a towel rack after that walk in the rain. we've come so much further than i could have dreamed. measured in times my tears have splashed against your shoulder as i happily remember how you've saved me, lying in bed whilst your fingers sing me to sleep.

( happy valentines day to me )

wo yi kanjyan ta, wo jyou bugausyingle...

there was no doubt in my mind how lucky i am. all week i have been bathing in this new found happiness. it envelopes me and dissolves all fear and anxiety i've built throughout the last few years. i find myself bragging to myself- testing my courage on situations which would have certainly crushed me just 6 months ago. finally i have stepped far enough away from what i now see as a black and loveless pit of a relationship--i am sucked quickly away as if life has suctioned to my ribs. i can not feel anything in that direction anymore. the only clear vision is that which surrounds me now- safari hats, brandy shots, stuffed hunting kittens, knit shirts, orange couches, brightly lit artwork, 'fucking hard', rekindled friendships, crafts, bathroom portraits, adoring sketches, late night car rides, snacking freely, language, life, self awakening and most importantly...a beige van that transports what i have now realistically accepted as love. darling, you can leave these doors open for as long as you can draw comfort from the space...but i will not stray.

when i retrieve my car i will before all else- take this laptop and throw it over the bridge in which i first saw the reflection of my own bare desperation. there is nothing left of that empty hell. my self is for once full and flowing. there are no more stagnant miscommunications. my life has regained its wheels.

i have finally found a literate being. and he is every different shade of wonderful.
'i follow my heart and it leads me right to Jackson....'

BABY! i was wondering. if someones chin is to protrude grossly from underneath an ill placed shirt. why wouldn't you tell them? or pull the shirt down? the person might have thought they were saving you from eye moustaches, when in reality they were creating a chin visual to complete dissatisfaction.

such an awkward amount of time to wait. i've finished my dinner and cleaned my plate. myspace is on the fritz again, so my usual brain duller has failed me in my time of greatest need. i could, of course, finish painting that last coat i have been putting off for two weeks. that is a great impossibility, for i am a triumphant procrastinator. oh dear, with valentines day coming up all i can hear in my head is profanity. "i'm going to fuck you hard." and such. i don't know what to do while dawn is on her way to pick me up, except the obvious--updating this alivejournal. i can't sit here much longer. i got really dressed up to see frank. everyone was impressed by how much i finished today, although none of it was a craft-- which is all i particularly cared about finishing. i am just grateful that during any point of my day you could ask me how i was doing and i would respond with something along the lines of, "fucking fantastic!" because i truly am. all of the fucking time. to conclude this jumbled rambling...

myscreenname: bring your wire cutters!
MeOoshySquooshy: It's not really a mystery why Susi and I are such good friends.

wipe the s'keet off your mug, b'yatch! I was so n'cheekd last night I woke up in the lion enclosure at the zoo. I have no clue how I got there...

once on a rock i found we were beached. held tightly in your arms we whispered lies to the sea. i convinced myself of the unease in sincerity. you pulled my body up and away from its gravity. and i thought it was love. and i believed in our curse. but i knew not who i was. i never was yours.
now swimming in sweater i've found a bright peace. from a boy who only plays on the beaches of nice.

several avocado pits with whom i am intimate have asked me to convey this message to you. they point out their journeys were not easy. they urge me to have hope. at first they say they were not conscious of anything but how it seems to be. california, florida, honduras--you get the picture--sunny/tropical. that is to say for them, just mindless warmth. & fat rich blood plumpening them. & scarves of very glossy leaves. in the air. hanging, but not knowing you are hanging. then, picked. there is, you think, no parent and no purpose. that still firm flesh is bitter. you are a cynical young avocado. unseen hands nest you in some scratchily safe material. without your consent you are flown away to seek fame & fortune. you intuit that there must be others suffering yet believe you are the only one. the next phase happens suddenly, or so the avocados tell me. one minute you are hard and young, then RIPE! you are boundless compassion--as delicious as bliss absolute.

this entry is dedicated to a ( biscuit )

wo buhwei shwo junggwo hwa--ke--wo meiyou chyan, ni you meiyou? meiyou.
ni ai fagwo! ta ye gau, ye haukan. ta shr shei? ching ta hwa yijang hwar.
isn't he a frenchman? hau shr hau, keshr--ta hen ai chang geer.
wo hai buhwei shwo junggwo hwa ne. wo dzoule...

although i didn't share my night eating mint chocolate chip ice cream on the floor with bahia, the state of the union was just the same. maybe not as interactive--see: shouting at the television. instead my father and i just stared dumbly at george bush junior's horrendously large ears. quote bob trexler, "the cartoons were dead on."

"Our work in Iraq is difficult, because our enemy is brutal."
in response i finally say, "YES! get em' young!"

last night was a needed release from my self-importance. i developed a serious search & rescue mission that landed me in colchester, ct. upon finding my dear dawn- we proceeded to drive aimlessly to talk about how trapped we have become in our own lack of independence. it was nice to feel that comfort a friend brings. our situations mirror each other. i am a bit more torn--where she has a clear idea of what she wants \ absolutely does not want. regardless, we spent the rest of the night isolating ourselves from the kids playing smash brothers in the basement to work on our new rap project--"east coast love handles."
i feel as though the ice has worn so thin i'm afraid to move. closing my eyes i say, "don't think about the past. don't even thing about the future. forget now. just feel your way back to safe ground."

post script,
i finally found a healthy sleep pattern!
post post script,
that doesn't mean i want you to stop calling me at 5am.

love. the word i can't get out of my head. i want to say it all the time, but i hate speaking words i can't define. clarity is coming in tablespoons. it feels as though for the last three years i have been trying to dive into the shallow end of the same pool. the damage is obviously irreversible, but was it love? i felt it explode in my chest and i still do. the swelling pushes on my cheeks and the pressure behind the eyeballs forces tears out in a steady stream. i'm starting to feel the familiar pull that your presence brings. the one that leads me away from everything i want and need.
_________

bahia called today and left another voicemail. i'm always sure to leave my phone at home when an international call that i can't return comes in. the only thing i am passionate about at this point is my return to her...or her return to me. which ever it is will result in a break down--the likes of which you have never seen. i hope that things begin to make more sense after this phone call we have coming up. it kills me to know how disappointed she will be by how terribly i have been fucking things up. there is a great relief in knowing that she has some answers for me. that is the only love that i know right now.